Posts Tagged ‘writing’

Every time I start a post…

Saturday, September 13th, 2008

…Bang! I slam into another concrete wall pretending to be a speed bump.

  Twilight, Shelter Cove, CA

In January after surgery took me down, I was miserable enough to ask myself – for the first time ever – the big question: Should I stay or should I go? Just hang it up and dance down the tunnel of light? And for the first time, I was indifferent to the answer. But as I recovered my stubbornness kicked in – late, but much to my relief – and so here I am.

Five months later I found myself trying to cope with a bout of confidence of all things, struggling to really believe I’d regained something of a semi-functional life for the first time in two years. I even got to take a road trip. Then I was knocked flat by a simple endoscopy (tubes and cameras down the throat for a veinal lookie-loo) which re-triggered my ever-hovering hepatitis C and left me on the couch panting and deranged for two weeks.

  King's Range, CA

Recovering from that would-be-funny-if-it-didn’t-suck experience, I’ve spent the last month plus agonizing over whether to have yet more surgery to fix the ever-enlarging bubble on my abdomen, the result of last winter’s hernia repair that didn’t go so well. The bubble’s spawning now, with two tiny new bubbles popping up. I swear Alien’s in there doing something evil. (The surgery decision: No! NO! NO KNIVES! Not ’til I have to! [Which may be sooner than I’m telling everybody.])

And through all this, my new liver, which had actually taken to behaving itself, decided to do some sulking again. And so now I’m back in this gray area where some things work, sort of, other things not so much, not knowing day to day what it’ll be like and wondering just what the $#^% “health” is, anyway?

I suppose the biggest epiphany I’ve had from all this is something I already knew: There’s this line running through my life. Stay on one side of it, and the deities smile benignly and permit me to muddle along. Cross that line, and bang! (there’s that ‘bang’ again) those same gods set the hounds from Dante’s circles on me. This line is as thin as a new-bought razor blade.

  Otto taking a beach nap

Anyway, I’ve decided to post the various fragments I’ve been working on, plus a few off-topic bits (a poem, anyone?) just so I can make some sort of break with the last six months – writing-wise, anyway – and start anew. Consider these posts – they’ll be showing up over the next week – a mashup of fragments from my muse and detrius from my mental garbage collector. Oh, and there’ll be pictures: I’m obsessed these days with photography. These are from a drive to California’s Lost Coast last week.